there's too much confusionnnnn

I've not blogged for a while, for a few reasons. I think mostly because I'm lazy, but I'm also not in a great place right now. Why? The reasons are hard to explain, and I as usual I don't understand everything either. I think that the approaching birthday has something to do with it though. The last three birthdays have had me feeling pretty crap in the build up. My dad was confused about why, with this one. I'll be 23, but I've achieved a lot really. There has been visible progress since the last birthday. The degree, the job, the house, the adult life. They're just things though. I'm still as alone as I was this time last year. I'm still not jumping for joy at the prospect of reaching another day where I think about what I haven't achieved.

I just feel like I've gone backwards, since uni. My last birthday was good. I was happy on the day. Usual negativity during the build up, but then I went for lunch with some friends, and at the weekend my sister visited, and even though I still did some dissertation on the actual day I still had a good time. I was motivated to do well, and starting to get my life together and back on track. That's how I ended up with my good degree and my job. And now I have it all, and I'm getting worse again. I have no motivation. None at all. I'm behind on my portfolio work. I'm behind on other jobs I need to do. The house is a mess all the time. I dread work. I've lost contact with some more friends, and this time I know it's my fault rather than theirs like it usualy is. I've lost the internet as my escape. It's not that I'm really depressed right now, like I was at the start of the year, but I'm in a mess. I need to start being proactive again. It's just...finding a reason. Maybe I don't feel like I have one. At uni, I got my arse in gear because my placement made me realise that I wanted a job in the field. I don't feel like I'm aiming for something now, especially since I don't want to stay living here in this particular job.

There's been something else confusing me a bit, but I can't talk about that yet. The problem with this thing is that sometimes I just accept it for what it is, and it's no big issue, and then sometimes it causes a really deep confusion and questioning of a lot of things. I feel like things will become clear when something happens, but I don't think that will happen for a while.

Ugh. I just need to do things. Things that aren't tv, internet and work.

Upside Down

Some things really are just messed up. The mother of my cousin's son, pregnant by my brother's oldest friend. Pictures of the three of them together, her, him and the little guy, as though they were a family. She's a piece of work. He's just daft. I feel sorry for him. He'd be a good father to my cousin's lad, but it's not how it should be. Better him than some random I guess.

And what about my brother? I miss his ex. The one I spent years slating. I'd take her as a future sister in law over this new girl. He made a decision he'll regret forever today. I blame her.

Sometimes things just don't feel right. The way they happen, the things they cause. I wish there was a reset button for some days. I hope it all works out.