2008

So here it is. Or there it was. 2008 was a very strange year, with some of the best moments of my life, and some of the worst.

It starts off in Boston finishing my placement. Passed my registration portfolio, had a leaving do, and it was very sad to leave it behind when I'd got just about to the stage where I was one of them. I felt like I belonged there at the time, and then it was over. It wasn't a bad thing though. I finished in January feeling proud of what I'd achieved, and for the first time in ages I didn't feel guilty about taking a break from uni work. I had none to do and I was completely up to date, and it was nice. Anyway, I'm sure there's more on what I was actually up to in the archives of this blog.

Later that month I was back at university, living with the student nurses and a friend who's girlfriend didn't like him socialising with me. It wasn't always easy living there, and the uni work really took it's toll that semester too. There were some low times for me in those few months, but also some pretty good ones. Nights out with my friends, having friends I could talk about my placement and stuff with because they'd done the same, good marks at uni, and a feeling that I understood. There was a crazy amount of tension during the dissertation write up though. Coursework has never had me that stressed. Sometimes I honestly didn't think I'd do it. Handing it in was one of the biggest moments of relief in my life. It felt like there should have been a drumroll and then a fanfare when I handed it over. And that was that, I was free again. It was a huge moment.

Finishing uni was hard. I went to the ball, which was the last time I'd see some people, and it was sad. Really good, but sad. The next day Charlie picked me up and university was truly over. The fact that I got through it all, because it wasn't always as much fun as I've made out, was a major achievement for me. It's hard to describe how I felt at the end. Mixed emotions, definitely.

In the summer, I had the best holiday I've ever had. Me and Hannah had our Scotland adventure. Two weeks of exciting activities, driving right up to the top of mainland Britain. I saw a lot of amazing things. Dolphins, mountains, Loch Ness, puffins, daylight at midnight. Fantastic. Scotland is a beautiful place. I loved every minute of that holiday. Definitely one of the highlights of the year.

The other highlight was getting my degree results and graduation. Who would have guessed in a million years after my first two years that I could have pulled off a 2:1?! It really was amazing. It's rare for me to feel proud of myself, but I did when I saw that result. Graduation was really special. It was great to see my course friends again, some for the last time, and for what we'd achieved to be recognised.

The end of the year hasn't been so good though. I spent longer than I wanted to unemployed, but then found what I thought would be the perfect job. Things started well. I found a great house to rent, so much nicer than anything else in my price ranger. I got a housemate, which made it all a lot cheaper and meant I could afford to make it a bit nicer here. The job looked like it would be as perfect as I imagined at first. And then it wasn't. It's hard and not anything like perfect. I made a mistake taking it before attending more interviews, but I wasn't to know that at the time. Things are looking up now, but when 2008 finished, I hated it. I really do believe that I'll find it a lot easier and a lot more tolerable as this year goes on, but it was a definite negative.

A bit before that, on the 27th of August, something really upsetting had happened. I'd finally lost my Sonic. Fifteen years of always being there, and then not. Everything else that's happened to upset me, not having my cat there has made it so much worse. He was my source of comfort through so much. I miss him everyday. I have photos of him on my wall, and right now I'm looking at one of him taken in 1993, just over a month old. I was seven years old then. It's still hard to believe I don't have him anymore.

This has got jumbled up in the sequence of events, but in October my Nanna passed away. We all knew she'd had health problems, but it was still unexpected. To lose her was devastating, it truly was. She was a wonderful person and the best grandparent you could ask for. It was a very tough time for my family, and very hard for me to be away from them. I had a couple of days off just after, and a couple of days for the funeral, but being here on my own was awful. I miss her so much now. Just going round and filling her in on what I've been up to, and getting the gossip on other family members. As Ant said in his reading, a cup of tea and a natter.

Losing my Nanna and not having my cat for comfort, and being alone here, left me finishing the year in a bad place, and that's carried on into 2009. All of the problems I usually bury and cope alright with were at the front of my mind. Being alone, not being good with people, job worries, worrying about other people, some other issues that despite my growing openess I still can't tell people about. I've found everything hard since October/November. That's why I'll always remember 2008 as a strange year. Some brilliant things and some of the best moments of my life, accompanied by my worse depressive phase in a couple of years.

So what about 2009. 2008 saw me make progress in moving on from my past, letting go of some demons, and understanding my problems. 2009 so far has seen me take a step backwards really. For some reason though, I feel a bit better now. It's like things are looking up a bit somehow. Alcohol solves no problems at all and I don't recommend using it to forget what's wrong, but slightly tipsy conversations with my dad last night made me realise a few things. While my social situation isn't ideal and will continue to bother me, I have a better family than most people I know. I love them so much, and I know how much I mean to them too. It's not enough forever, but it is for now. Things have to, and will, get better. If 2008 saw me beginning to understand what my problems are, 2009 will be the year where I try and figure out what I can do about them.