Saturday 21 February 2009
Well here's something new
I'm reasonably content. It's amazing how many of my problems are just about me overthinking things. Work isn't so bad. Living here isn't so bad. I love my two little baby cats and my dad and sister are visiting tomorrow. I'll be alright.
Sunday 15 February 2009
Go to work for me tomorrow?
Please?
Honestly I cannot be bothered with doing any work for my portfolio. I don't care enough to do it. I worked my ass off to get here and I can't be arsed with any more. No choice if I don't want to be stuck here forever though.
I don't think I'll stay in this town once the portfolio is done. The move was another new start that hasn't really worked out. I just brought my problems to a new place, creating a few new ones along the way. The only question is do I try for another new start in 2-3 years time when I move on, go home and try to make it work with what I used to have there, or try and hope for the best here rather than moving at all? Guess I don't have to decide for a good long while yet. I just don't see there being any room for positive change. I don't know anyone outside of work, and I don't see that changing. Oh well :P
Honestly I cannot be bothered with doing any work for my portfolio. I don't care enough to do it. I worked my ass off to get here and I can't be arsed with any more. No choice if I don't want to be stuck here forever though.
I don't think I'll stay in this town once the portfolio is done. The move was another new start that hasn't really worked out. I just brought my problems to a new place, creating a few new ones along the way. The only question is do I try for another new start in 2-3 years time when I move on, go home and try to make it work with what I used to have there, or try and hope for the best here rather than moving at all? Guess I don't have to decide for a good long while yet. I just don't see there being any room for positive change. I don't know anyone outside of work, and I don't see that changing. Oh well :P
Friday 13 February 2009
The Internet
A few years ago now, most likely 2005 or 2006, I remember deciding what it would take for me to leave PBS. I don't remember exactly why, but I think it was probably due to others leaving dramatically around that time, and deleting accounts etc. I thought that the only thing that'd make me leave was if certain friends left, or if I was no longer friends with them. Over the years, things changed, and I did redefine that for myself a bit. Some of those people did leave, but I met new online friends. I decided that there would be no point to staying at PB if I had no good friends there, and if there was no AIM chat to go to, since going there has always been a good escape for me.
So now it's 2009, and it looks as though all the criteria have been met. All my non-PBS internet friends are gone. People like Mano and Sunil who I met in MSN chats and talked to for years, I just don't have any contact with at all. It must be over a year since I last got an email from Mano, and since I don't trust him all that much anymore, it's unlikely I'll bother to contact him again. I miss when things were less complicated.
As for the PBS friends, I just don't think there's anyone I'm that close to anymore. Back in 2005 (0r maybe 2006?), there was a time when I was really upset over a few things. Not one of my "down" phases, because this was related to something that happened rather than my general issues. At the time, a lot of my online friends, mostly from PBS, let me down pretty badly, I thought. Maybe it's not all that obvious when I'm upset, but still, people who I thought might be there for me just weren't. One had a real excuse, but some others spent more time asking me about how another person was doing than whether I was okay myself. There was one exception, and the fact that he a) noticed I wasn't doing well and b) talked to me about the reasons, meant a lot to me. Over the last few months, I've been in a pretty bad place, and unlike most of my depressive phases, I didn't manage to control/hide it online very well. Usually people wouldn't notice, but it wasn't really much of a secret that I wasn't coping well this time. Absolutely no one was there for me. One person asked me if I was okay on one day where I wasn't even that bad, but that wasn't one of the people I expected to care much. Those I did...they weren't much help. I won't say everyone has been terrible, since one person who I specifically asked for advice did come through for me. The rest of it still sucks though.
So yeah, I don't want to dwell on that, because I know you shouldn't expect people to be there for you everytime you aren't happy. It's just shown me how there really aren't people I'm that good friends with online anymore. PBS isn't the friendly place it has been in the past, and doesn't keep me entertained as much, and I no longer have the tie of moderating. The chat looks like it's finally over, which is sad after so many years. People have come and gone, but it's always kept going. Now, there doesn't seem much reason to go there anymore. With that gone too, my reasons for staying at PBS, and as a regular on the internet in general, are pretty much gone. The only reason I've still been here is because there isn't much else to do, which is also sad. It's pretty much this, DVDs or Wii, and I have to alternate a bit so I don't get bored.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, because based on my last point, I don't think I'll suddenly just leave. It's likely that I'll just fade away from the internet though. I think I've already started that.
So now it's 2009, and it looks as though all the criteria have been met. All my non-PBS internet friends are gone. People like Mano and Sunil who I met in MSN chats and talked to for years, I just don't have any contact with at all. It must be over a year since I last got an email from Mano, and since I don't trust him all that much anymore, it's unlikely I'll bother to contact him again. I miss when things were less complicated.
As for the PBS friends, I just don't think there's anyone I'm that close to anymore. Back in 2005 (0r maybe 2006?), there was a time when I was really upset over a few things. Not one of my "down" phases, because this was related to something that happened rather than my general issues. At the time, a lot of my online friends, mostly from PBS, let me down pretty badly, I thought. Maybe it's not all that obvious when I'm upset, but still, people who I thought might be there for me just weren't. One had a real excuse, but some others spent more time asking me about how another person was doing than whether I was okay myself. There was one exception, and the fact that he a) noticed I wasn't doing well and b) talked to me about the reasons, meant a lot to me. Over the last few months, I've been in a pretty bad place, and unlike most of my depressive phases, I didn't manage to control/hide it online very well. Usually people wouldn't notice, but it wasn't really much of a secret that I wasn't coping well this time. Absolutely no one was there for me. One person asked me if I was okay on one day where I wasn't even that bad, but that wasn't one of the people I expected to care much. Those I did...they weren't much help. I won't say everyone has been terrible, since one person who I specifically asked for advice did come through for me. The rest of it still sucks though.
So yeah, I don't want to dwell on that, because I know you shouldn't expect people to be there for you everytime you aren't happy. It's just shown me how there really aren't people I'm that good friends with online anymore. PBS isn't the friendly place it has been in the past, and doesn't keep me entertained as much, and I no longer have the tie of moderating. The chat looks like it's finally over, which is sad after so many years. People have come and gone, but it's always kept going. Now, there doesn't seem much reason to go there anymore. With that gone too, my reasons for staying at PBS, and as a regular on the internet in general, are pretty much gone. The only reason I've still been here is because there isn't much else to do, which is also sad. It's pretty much this, DVDs or Wii, and I have to alternate a bit so I don't get bored.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, because based on my last point, I don't think I'll suddenly just leave. It's likely that I'll just fade away from the internet though. I think I've already started that.
Sunday 8 February 2009
Back to TV and Film
I started this post sometime last week, before my previous one, but couldn't be bothered to finish till today. So here it is:
Battlestar Galactica
Several of my posts seem to have been about this show lately, but then it really is one of the greatest television shows ever created. It's just so unpredictable. We couldn't have guess about Adama getting shot by Boomer at the end of season one, the settling on New Caprica and 1 year jump at the end of two, the revelation of the final four, Earth being inhabited by Cylons and being a wasteland...and now Gaeta leading a coup with Zarek! That story really worked well. I still like Gaeta though. He was an idealist with values different to the admiral, and he thought he was doing the right thing. He knew when he'd gone too far, and clearly didn't want to kill anyone if he didn't have to. I was almost disappointed with how Zarek turned out. He didn't care who died. I always thought he was like Gaeta ended up. Someone who had strong beliefs and was prepared to fight for them. Interesting that he turned out to be the terrorist Adama always saw him as. Killing off both of them at the end of the episode was a great twist too, especially since at the beginning it looked more likely that Adama, Tigh and Roslin and co would die.
The previous bit was written last week. Since then I've seen the latest episode. Ellen Tigh is back! Cavil knew who the 5 were all along! All this has happened before and will happen again...and so many explanations. Brilliant episode and a brilliant TV series. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been more excited about new episodes of things, including Lost and Atlantis and all the other stuff I've watched first time around.
The X Files
I'm still really enjoying watching this. I've slowed down a bit after the last mytharc ones I watched though. I really like the monster of the week ones, but like with most series I watch, I prefer the main story usually. I can't be bothered to do a seperate paragraph for Fringe, but I recently watched another episode of that, and it just doesn't match up to The X Files. Since I've started on this again, I don't think I'll be watching any more Fringe. I really had forgotten how good early X Files was.
Skins
I started off not so keen on the new series. Decent new characters yes, but I didn't think I'd be that into it. I was wrong. I really like Thomas, the new guy. Cook is really unlikeable, but in a good way, and you can see there'll be comeupance somewhere along the line. Effy is by far the best character though. She's been fantastic through all 3 seasons, but you can see that she'll really be great now she's almost the main focus of it all. Yep, definitely gonna be worth watching.
Slumdog Millionaire
Switching over to films, I watched this last night. There's not much I can say, other than that it was brilliant. Sad, and hopeful at the same time. Dev Patel was really good in the main part, but so were the little Indian kids playing the younger versions. I hope this gets all the Oscars it deserves. Everyone should see this film. I cried at it, and that always means it's good.
Battlestar Galactica
Several of my posts seem to have been about this show lately, but then it really is one of the greatest television shows ever created. It's just so unpredictable. We couldn't have guess about Adama getting shot by Boomer at the end of season one, the settling on New Caprica and 1 year jump at the end of two, the revelation of the final four, Earth being inhabited by Cylons and being a wasteland...and now Gaeta leading a coup with Zarek! That story really worked well. I still like Gaeta though. He was an idealist with values different to the admiral, and he thought he was doing the right thing. He knew when he'd gone too far, and clearly didn't want to kill anyone if he didn't have to. I was almost disappointed with how Zarek turned out. He didn't care who died. I always thought he was like Gaeta ended up. Someone who had strong beliefs and was prepared to fight for them. Interesting that he turned out to be the terrorist Adama always saw him as. Killing off both of them at the end of the episode was a great twist too, especially since at the beginning it looked more likely that Adama, Tigh and Roslin and co would die.
The previous bit was written last week. Since then I've seen the latest episode. Ellen Tigh is back! Cavil knew who the 5 were all along! All this has happened before and will happen again...and so many explanations. Brilliant episode and a brilliant TV series. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been more excited about new episodes of things, including Lost and Atlantis and all the other stuff I've watched first time around.
The X Files
I'm still really enjoying watching this. I've slowed down a bit after the last mytharc ones I watched though. I really like the monster of the week ones, but like with most series I watch, I prefer the main story usually. I can't be bothered to do a seperate paragraph for Fringe, but I recently watched another episode of that, and it just doesn't match up to The X Files. Since I've started on this again, I don't think I'll be watching any more Fringe. I really had forgotten how good early X Files was.
Skins
I started off not so keen on the new series. Decent new characters yes, but I didn't think I'd be that into it. I was wrong. I really like Thomas, the new guy. Cook is really unlikeable, but in a good way, and you can see there'll be comeupance somewhere along the line. Effy is by far the best character though. She's been fantastic through all 3 seasons, but you can see that she'll really be great now she's almost the main focus of it all. Yep, definitely gonna be worth watching.
Slumdog Millionaire
Switching over to films, I watched this last night. There's not much I can say, other than that it was brilliant. Sad, and hopeful at the same time. Dev Patel was really good in the main part, but so were the little Indian kids playing the younger versions. I hope this gets all the Oscars it deserves. Everyone should see this film. I cried at it, and that always means it's good.
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