The Internet

A few years ago now, most likely 2005 or 2006, I remember deciding what it would take for me to leave PBS. I don't remember exactly why, but I think it was probably due to others leaving dramatically around that time, and deleting accounts etc. I thought that the only thing that'd make me leave was if certain friends left, or if I was no longer friends with them. Over the years, things changed, and I did redefine that for myself a bit. Some of those people did leave, but I met new online friends. I decided that there would be no point to staying at PB if I had no good friends there, and if there was no AIM chat to go to, since going there has always been a good escape for me.

So now it's 2009, and it looks as though all the criteria have been met. All my non-PBS internet friends are gone. People like Mano and Sunil who I met in MSN chats and talked to for years, I just don't have any contact with at all. It must be over a year since I last got an email from Mano, and since I don't trust him all that much anymore, it's unlikely I'll bother to contact him again. I miss when things were less complicated.

As for the PBS friends, I just don't think there's anyone I'm that close to anymore. Back in 2005 (0r maybe 2006?), there was a time when I was really upset over a few things. Not one of my "down" phases, because this was related to something that happened rather than my general issues. At the time, a lot of my online friends, mostly from PBS, let me down pretty badly, I thought. Maybe it's not all that obvious when I'm upset, but still, people who I thought might be there for me just weren't. One had a real excuse, but some others spent more time asking me about how another person was doing than whether I was okay myself. There was one exception, and the fact that he a) noticed I wasn't doing well and b) talked to me about the reasons, meant a lot to me. Over the last few months, I've been in a pretty bad place, and unlike most of my depressive phases, I didn't manage to control/hide it online very well. Usually people wouldn't notice, but it wasn't really much of a secret that I wasn't coping well this time. Absolutely no one was there for me. One person asked me if I was okay on one day where I wasn't even that bad, but that wasn't one of the people I expected to care much. Those I did...they weren't much help. I won't say everyone has been terrible, since one person who I specifically asked for advice did come through for me. The rest of it still sucks though.

So yeah, I don't want to dwell on that, because I know you shouldn't expect people to be there for you everytime you aren't happy. It's just shown me how there really aren't people I'm that good friends with online anymore. PBS isn't the friendly place it has been in the past, and doesn't keep me entertained as much, and I no longer have the tie of moderating. The chat looks like it's finally over, which is sad after so many years. People have come and gone, but it's always kept going. Now, there doesn't seem much reason to go there anymore. With that gone too, my reasons for staying at PBS, and as a regular on the internet in general, are pretty much gone. The only reason I've still been here is because there isn't much else to do, which is also sad. It's pretty much this, DVDs or Wii, and I have to alternate a bit so I don't get bored.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, because based on my last point, I don't think I'll suddenly just leave. It's likely that I'll just fade away from the internet though. I think I've already started that.