Well here's something new

I'm reasonably content. It's amazing how many of my problems are just about me overthinking things. Work isn't so bad. Living here isn't so bad. I love my two little baby cats and my dad and sister are visiting tomorrow. I'll be alright.

Go to work for me tomorrow?

Please?

Honestly I cannot be bothered with doing any work for my portfolio. I don't care enough to do it. I worked my ass off to get here and I can't be arsed with any more. No choice if I don't want to be stuck here forever though.

I don't think I'll stay in this town once the portfolio is done. The move was another new start that hasn't really worked out. I just brought my problems to a new place, creating a few new ones along the way. The only question is do I try for another new start in 2-3 years time when I move on, go home and try to make it work with what I used to have there, or try and hope for the best here rather than moving at all? Guess I don't have to decide for a good long while yet. I just don't see there being any room for positive change. I don't know anyone outside of work, and I don't see that changing. Oh well :P

The Internet

A few years ago now, most likely 2005 or 2006, I remember deciding what it would take for me to leave PBS. I don't remember exactly why, but I think it was probably due to others leaving dramatically around that time, and deleting accounts etc. I thought that the only thing that'd make me leave was if certain friends left, or if I was no longer friends with them. Over the years, things changed, and I did redefine that for myself a bit. Some of those people did leave, but I met new online friends. I decided that there would be no point to staying at PB if I had no good friends there, and if there was no AIM chat to go to, since going there has always been a good escape for me.

So now it's 2009, and it looks as though all the criteria have been met. All my non-PBS internet friends are gone. People like Mano and Sunil who I met in MSN chats and talked to for years, I just don't have any contact with at all. It must be over a year since I last got an email from Mano, and since I don't trust him all that much anymore, it's unlikely I'll bother to contact him again. I miss when things were less complicated.

As for the PBS friends, I just don't think there's anyone I'm that close to anymore. Back in 2005 (0r maybe 2006?), there was a time when I was really upset over a few things. Not one of my "down" phases, because this was related to something that happened rather than my general issues. At the time, a lot of my online friends, mostly from PBS, let me down pretty badly, I thought. Maybe it's not all that obvious when I'm upset, but still, people who I thought might be there for me just weren't. One had a real excuse, but some others spent more time asking me about how another person was doing than whether I was okay myself. There was one exception, and the fact that he a) noticed I wasn't doing well and b) talked to me about the reasons, meant a lot to me. Over the last few months, I've been in a pretty bad place, and unlike most of my depressive phases, I didn't manage to control/hide it online very well. Usually people wouldn't notice, but it wasn't really much of a secret that I wasn't coping well this time. Absolutely no one was there for me. One person asked me if I was okay on one day where I wasn't even that bad, but that wasn't one of the people I expected to care much. Those I did...they weren't much help. I won't say everyone has been terrible, since one person who I specifically asked for advice did come through for me. The rest of it still sucks though.

So yeah, I don't want to dwell on that, because I know you shouldn't expect people to be there for you everytime you aren't happy. It's just shown me how there really aren't people I'm that good friends with online anymore. PBS isn't the friendly place it has been in the past, and doesn't keep me entertained as much, and I no longer have the tie of moderating. The chat looks like it's finally over, which is sad after so many years. People have come and gone, but it's always kept going. Now, there doesn't seem much reason to go there anymore. With that gone too, my reasons for staying at PBS, and as a regular on the internet in general, are pretty much gone. The only reason I've still been here is because there isn't much else to do, which is also sad. It's pretty much this, DVDs or Wii, and I have to alternate a bit so I don't get bored.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is, because based on my last point, I don't think I'll suddenly just leave. It's likely that I'll just fade away from the internet though. I think I've already started that.

Back to TV and Film

I started this post sometime last week, before my previous one, but couldn't be bothered to finish till today. So here it is:

Battlestar Galactica

Several of my posts seem to have been about this show lately, but then it really is one of the greatest television shows ever created. It's just so unpredictable. We couldn't have guess about Adama getting shot by Boomer at the end of season one, the settling on New Caprica and 1 year jump at the end of two, the revelation of the final four, Earth being inhabited by Cylons and being a wasteland...and now Gaeta leading a coup with Zarek! That story really worked well. I still like Gaeta though. He was an idealist with values different to the admiral, and he thought he was doing the right thing. He knew when he'd gone too far, and clearly didn't want to kill anyone if he didn't have to. I was almost disappointed with how Zarek turned out. He didn't care who died. I always thought he was like Gaeta ended up. Someone who had strong beliefs and was prepared to fight for them. Interesting that he turned out to be the terrorist Adama always saw him as. Killing off both of them at the end of the episode was a great twist too, especially since at the beginning it looked more likely that Adama, Tigh and Roslin and co would die.

The previous bit was written last week. Since then I've seen the latest episode. Ellen Tigh is back! Cavil knew who the 5 were all along! All this has happened before and will happen again...and so many explanations. Brilliant episode and a brilliant TV series. Honestly, I don't think I've ever been more excited about new episodes of things, including Lost and Atlantis and all the other stuff I've watched first time around.

The X Files

I'm still really enjoying watching this. I've slowed down a bit after the last mytharc ones I watched though. I really like the monster of the week ones, but like with most series I watch, I prefer the main story usually. I can't be bothered to do a seperate paragraph for Fringe, but I recently watched another episode of that, and it just doesn't match up to The X Files. Since I've started on this again, I don't think I'll be watching any more Fringe. I really had forgotten how good early X Files was.

Skins

I started off not so keen on the new series. Decent new characters yes, but I didn't think I'd be that into it. I was wrong. I really like Thomas, the new guy. Cook is really unlikeable, but in a good way, and you can see there'll be comeupance somewhere along the line. Effy is by far the best character though. She's been fantastic through all 3 seasons, but you can see that she'll really be great now she's almost the main focus of it all. Yep, definitely gonna be worth watching.

Slumdog Millionaire

Switching over to films, I watched this last night. There's not much I can say, other than that it was brilliant. Sad, and hopeful at the same time. Dev Patel was really good in the main part, but so were the little Indian kids playing the younger versions. I hope this gets all the Oscars it deserves. Everyone should see this film. I cried at it, and that always means it's good.

Ellen Tigh!

I was right all along! The fifth Cylon is Ellen Tigh! I may have looked like I changed my mind and went Roslin, but she was my main character guess. Also, I was totally thrown by the new trailers and stuff. Ellen had been my theory since the four were announced though. I've always been baffled as to why none of the other blogs I've read considered her a possibility, but she's remained my favourite for a long time.

Anyway, the new series of Battlestar started out brilliantly. The Thirteenth Colony were Cylons, and Ellen Tigh is the fifth! Amazing. I can't wait to see what's going to happen next.

Stargate Atlantis

I need to get this post out of my system before the kitten excitement at the weekend, so here we go.

Stargate Atlantis has been one of my favourite TV series for a long time now, and I'm gutted that it's finally over. I'd even say more gutted than when SG1 finished, although more satisfied since Atlantis had a much better ending.

So, because I feel like it, I'll start from the beginning. Atlantis had a great pilot episode. The Wraith were a scary new enemy, but it had all the old familiar Stargate stuff too. O'Neill and Daniel, for a start, and then Weir and McKay who we'd seen in SG1 too. Also Robert Patrick, which was funny, since I knew I'd know if he was a main character. I knew he wasn't, so I knew he'd die. Good idea though, getting in a known actor to come and be killed off in the pilot.

Season 1 just continued to get better after that. The main Atlantis team was pretty good. Humorous airforce man, sarcastic scientist, interesting alien...and Ford. Ford was the weak link in that team. He was nothing. Just a guy with nothing about him. Anyway, the stories got better, peaking in the last few. The build up to the Wraith attack was great. One highlight was Groden dying. If you want a British character, cast a British actor, or a foreign actor who can do a FLAWLESS British accent. If you want to cast a Canadian who can't, have a Canadian character. Anyway, great finale.

Season 2 started off really well, and just got better. Ford was suddenly really interesting. Skinner from X Files was playing a guy you started off not liking but knew would end up on your side in the end...a familiar role for him maybe! Ronon was introduced to the cast, and unlike Ford, was the perfect fourth member of the team. Kind of like Teal'c, but just enough not like him to be a great character in his own right. Season 2 also saw Michael, one of the best bad guys in sci fi, introduced. Stupid Atlantis people...they sort of deserved everything they got from him. Interesting moral stories there. Low point of this series was Grace Under Pressure. Lame excuse to include Amanda Tapping, and nothing like as good as the SG1 episode called Grace.

Season 3 was where Atlantis really peaked. Great conclusion to the season 2 finale, replicators, Richard Dean Anderson, Michael, some great Rodney episodes, "Sunday" and an amazing finale. Picking on individual episodes, the mid season one was really good. In fact, all the replicator ones were. The Asurans being replicators was totally unexpected at the time. Vengence was a great Michael episode, and actually a bit freaky. Sunday...what can I say. One of the best episodes. This is just about the Atlantis lot getting on with their lives on a day off, and then something bad happening. And Carson dies :( I feel something is taken away from this by his clone returning, because everyone forgets that the clone isn't the same guy. I still love that episode though.

The Season 3 finale was probably the best, if you also count it's season 4 conclusion. The Replicator stories were great, and what happened to Weir was really unexpected. Season 4 itself I've talked about in more detail in other posts here. Basically, Carter was a disappointment, and the team weren't always a team anymore. Great series with some great episodes, particularly the mid season one and the last few. Midway was also a highlight...who didn't want to see Ronon vs Teal'c?! It could only have ended in a draw. That was one I really enjoyed though.

Season 5 had some of the same problems as series 4, in that the team weren't consistantly together, and the Atlantis leader wasn't always present. Still, Richard Woolsey was a great character to bring in. I've liked him since his first SG1 appearance. A good guy who's too concerned with the rules, but he comes to understand how things really work while he's on Atlantis. It's a shame Robert Picardo wasn't used more, although he definitely did a better job than Carter.

The fifth season, despite it's flaws, was still great. McKay and Keller was nice to see, for a start, and McKay had a great episode in The Shrine. The mid season episodes were fantastic. Daniel was put to good use rather than just being "hey look SG1 guest star", and the Asgard being the bad guys was a fantastic twist, and one I didn't see coming in a million years. That's surely something to be built upon in a film.

Anyway, I've mentioned many of the season 5 episodes in previous blog entries, but not the finale. Wow. I've complained before about SG1 never having the conclusive ending it needed. Atlantis did. In a single part 42 minute episode, it did everything it needed to do. Everyone important was involved in some small way, including Carter, Zelenka, Beckett, Major Davis (random, but good to see old characters), Caldwell, Ellis...and other secondary characters who needed inclusion in a finale. The idea of Wraith going to Earth was the perfect final story, and beating them by taking Atlantis to Earth was genius, and totally unexpected. I actually shed a tear when I thought Ronon was dead, but I didn't feel cheated out of an emotional story when he was brought back. I was glad Todd actually helped, since he's a great character. It was also great that they mentioned General Hammond's death, and the dedication of the new ship. To top it all off, it was cool that they landed pretty much near Starfleet Headquarters. Obviously irrelevant but hey, I'm a sci fi nerd. If I had one complaint? Wormhole drive...that all seemed a bit too random and convenient. Never mentioned before, but let's invent it anyway. Still, that's just Stargate isn't it. SG1 seasons 5, Full Circle, knocking on a wall of a giant room 3 times in random places, and hey! There's the Eye of Ra. Stargate doesn't have to be sensible.

So Atlantis ended extremely well. If the films never get made for whatever reason, I'll still be satisfied. Bring on Universe!

2008

So here it is. Or there it was. 2008 was a very strange year, with some of the best moments of my life, and some of the worst.

It starts off in Boston finishing my placement. Passed my registration portfolio, had a leaving do, and it was very sad to leave it behind when I'd got just about to the stage where I was one of them. I felt like I belonged there at the time, and then it was over. It wasn't a bad thing though. I finished in January feeling proud of what I'd achieved, and for the first time in ages I didn't feel guilty about taking a break from uni work. I had none to do and I was completely up to date, and it was nice. Anyway, I'm sure there's more on what I was actually up to in the archives of this blog.

Later that month I was back at university, living with the student nurses and a friend who's girlfriend didn't like him socialising with me. It wasn't always easy living there, and the uni work really took it's toll that semester too. There were some low times for me in those few months, but also some pretty good ones. Nights out with my friends, having friends I could talk about my placement and stuff with because they'd done the same, good marks at uni, and a feeling that I understood. There was a crazy amount of tension during the dissertation write up though. Coursework has never had me that stressed. Sometimes I honestly didn't think I'd do it. Handing it in was one of the biggest moments of relief in my life. It felt like there should have been a drumroll and then a fanfare when I handed it over. And that was that, I was free again. It was a huge moment.

Finishing uni was hard. I went to the ball, which was the last time I'd see some people, and it was sad. Really good, but sad. The next day Charlie picked me up and university was truly over. The fact that I got through it all, because it wasn't always as much fun as I've made out, was a major achievement for me. It's hard to describe how I felt at the end. Mixed emotions, definitely.

In the summer, I had the best holiday I've ever had. Me and Hannah had our Scotland adventure. Two weeks of exciting activities, driving right up to the top of mainland Britain. I saw a lot of amazing things. Dolphins, mountains, Loch Ness, puffins, daylight at midnight. Fantastic. Scotland is a beautiful place. I loved every minute of that holiday. Definitely one of the highlights of the year.

The other highlight was getting my degree results and graduation. Who would have guessed in a million years after my first two years that I could have pulled off a 2:1?! It really was amazing. It's rare for me to feel proud of myself, but I did when I saw that result. Graduation was really special. It was great to see my course friends again, some for the last time, and for what we'd achieved to be recognised.

The end of the year hasn't been so good though. I spent longer than I wanted to unemployed, but then found what I thought would be the perfect job. Things started well. I found a great house to rent, so much nicer than anything else in my price ranger. I got a housemate, which made it all a lot cheaper and meant I could afford to make it a bit nicer here. The job looked like it would be as perfect as I imagined at first. And then it wasn't. It's hard and not anything like perfect. I made a mistake taking it before attending more interviews, but I wasn't to know that at the time. Things are looking up now, but when 2008 finished, I hated it. I really do believe that I'll find it a lot easier and a lot more tolerable as this year goes on, but it was a definite negative.

A bit before that, on the 27th of August, something really upsetting had happened. I'd finally lost my Sonic. Fifteen years of always being there, and then not. Everything else that's happened to upset me, not having my cat there has made it so much worse. He was my source of comfort through so much. I miss him everyday. I have photos of him on my wall, and right now I'm looking at one of him taken in 1993, just over a month old. I was seven years old then. It's still hard to believe I don't have him anymore.

This has got jumbled up in the sequence of events, but in October my Nanna passed away. We all knew she'd had health problems, but it was still unexpected. To lose her was devastating, it truly was. She was a wonderful person and the best grandparent you could ask for. It was a very tough time for my family, and very hard for me to be away from them. I had a couple of days off just after, and a couple of days for the funeral, but being here on my own was awful. I miss her so much now. Just going round and filling her in on what I've been up to, and getting the gossip on other family members. As Ant said in his reading, a cup of tea and a natter.

Losing my Nanna and not having my cat for comfort, and being alone here, left me finishing the year in a bad place, and that's carried on into 2009. All of the problems I usually bury and cope alright with were at the front of my mind. Being alone, not being good with people, job worries, worrying about other people, some other issues that despite my growing openess I still can't tell people about. I've found everything hard since October/November. That's why I'll always remember 2008 as a strange year. Some brilliant things and some of the best moments of my life, accompanied by my worse depressive phase in a couple of years.

So what about 2009. 2008 saw me make progress in moving on from my past, letting go of some demons, and understanding my problems. 2009 so far has seen me take a step backwards really. For some reason though, I feel a bit better now. It's like things are looking up a bit somehow. Alcohol solves no problems at all and I don't recommend using it to forget what's wrong, but slightly tipsy conversations with my dad last night made me realise a few things. While my social situation isn't ideal and will continue to bother me, I have a better family than most people I know. I love them so much, and I know how much I mean to them too. It's not enough forever, but it is for now. Things have to, and will, get better. If 2008 saw me beginning to understand what my problems are, 2009 will be the year where I try and figure out what I can do about them.